Back in Freshman College I took up the three-unit course of General Psychology.  I can’t remember any of it now; just that that was the first time I’ve actually delved into the teachings of Sigmund Freud.  I’ve heard and read references about him everywhere but never about the specifics of his teachings. 

Apparently our psyche is composed of three parts: the id, the ego and the superego.  The Id deals with everything that is pleasurable and it works with the ‘must have now’ motto.  The Superego, on the other hand, is in direct contrast with the Id.  It strives for perfection and everything that is moral and just (at least, everything moral and just as learned by the person).  The Ego has the tough job of trying to balance out the two. 

Assuming that the Ego does its thing and balances out the wants from the idealisms of a person, then what you have right there is a healthy individual person.  But no person is in the state of equilibrium for long periods of time, as proven by the fact that everybody experiences feelings of anxiety and guilt throughout the day (which means that the Superego, at least for the time being, is in control).

But if the Ego fails to balance the Id and the Superego for prolonged periods of time (and the person can no longer cope with the normal stresses of life), you’ve got yourself a psychiatric disorder. 

Not that I’m going crazy or anything (I think), but I figured to use what little knowledge I had in the field of psychiatry to try and make some sense as to why I’m like this right now.  See, the problem is, I was brought up with a strict Superego.  I think it’s very much apparent in my actions; I don’t lie, I don’t cheat, steal or even stay out late.  In fact, except for that brief stint during my life as a college dormer, I’d say I have a clean slate.  College, I believe, is a time when the Id makes its last bid for freedom before one enters the “real world”. 

I guess that’s why I feel like no matter what I do, it’s never fucking enough.  I always feel as though I’m always a disappointment to my parents even though I’ve finished my schooling on time with (relatively) flying colors.  I suppose there’s a bit of a defense mechanism in play here; I just might be projecting my feelings of disappointment to my parents.  I mean I’m sure that they’re chagrined at the fact that I’m unemployed and all, but now that I think about it, those feelings can’t be that huge. 

So yeah, I guess I’m being a little crazy here.  Because I’m pressuring myself too much to do all sorts of things (take and pass the NCLEX, IELTS and the CGFNS, get a fucking job already, take the NMAT, buy all sorts of things for my cousins, etc.) I end up tearing up and crying all over the place for no apparent reason.  I mean I cried the other night while I was brushing my teeth.  My fucking teeth, ladies and gentlemen.  If that’s not loopy, I don’t know what is.

I don’t know if I can get over this (the Superego is part of my persona, after all; I can’t just get rid of it) but you know what they say, right?  Acceptance is the key to recovery.  And at this point I’m just happy that I have insight.  Sheesh.