According to the built in dictionary of my MacBook, Limbo is defined as an uncertain period of awaiting a decision or resolution, which actually describes my situation quite perfectly.  I am in limbo, metaphorically speaking and I can’t do anything about it.  I am unable to move forward or backward because I am waiting for a lot of answers from different agencies.  I never quite thought that my life would be already out of my hands at the age of twenty-two.   How pathetic is that?

First of all I’m still waiting on that date of examination for the NCLEX.  Without that I can’t really commit to the thought of being a nurse in the U.S. of A.  I wish I were the type of person diligent enough to do their studying without cramming, but I’m not; without that damned date I can’t quite push myself to study.  That, I guess, is the downside of being a natural crammer.

Secondly I’m waiting for October to roll around so I can start preparing the requirements for UST-Med.  I already have my NMAT result and now all I have to pass is the entrance exam.  Without that I can’t really commit to the thought of being a doctor. 

Where is this fear of commitment coming from, you ask?  Well basically it’s from all of these jumbled messages I’ve been getting.  I am the type of a coward afraid to risk anything if there’s no certainty that I won’t be able to gain anything.  A few months ago I was so committed to being a nurse, even just one here in the Philippines and look where that got me.  I’m basically in the same position I was in seven months ago.  It’s not like I didn’t try my best to land a job as a nurse; it’s just that apparently, the hospitals here don’t want/need me.  So yeah, I can’t really commit to anything without proof that there is that proverbial light to the end of that particular tunnel.

And the pressure is getting to me too.  My mother’s all for me to pursue med. school, dropping not-so-subtle hints like ‘Gee, it would be so nice to have a doctor for a daughter’ and ‘You know, I don’t really see you being a nurse; you’re too bossy of a person’.  My father, on the other hand, is literally pushing me out of the country.  If there were no issues of retrogression I highly doubt that I’d still be in the Philippines.  It actually pisses me off that he’s breathing down my neck to get that examination date when the papers are already somewhere in Vermont, being reviewed by the state nursing board.  It’s not like they’ll listen to me if I call them and tell them to hurry up. 

I know that it all boils down to what I want to happen.  It is my life after all.  But the problem is I don’t really know what I want in life.  I think I can handle med. school, but I’m not really in the position to say ‘no’ to the life of a nurse because well, I haven’t really experienced it now, have I?  But then the nursing situation in the country isn’t the most productive of situations, now is it?  If I do pursue nursing, I literally shell out tons of cash just to get work experience, cash that I don’t really have because well, I don’t have a job now, do I? 

I don’t know if you’re getting the whole picture and it might even sound like a simple problem to you, dear reader.  If it is, drop a comment and give me some advice.  It’d keep me sane for the time being as I’m stuck in limbo.