Because it’s Valentine’s week, every other movie in the cinemas are all sappy romances and this was literally the only other alternative, apart from The Monuments Men. Apparently no, the age of vampire movies is not yet dead but this is probably one of the last from the genre THANK GOD.

Absolutely no research was done prior to watching because, after all, what could one possibly expect from a film called Vampire Academy?

Please note that there may be spoilers. Read at your own risk.

THE STORY:

In this world, the goodies are called the Moroi and are royal vampires. Yes, you read that right. Royal vamps who do feed off of human blood, have the power of compulsion, can move under the sun (but find it extremely irritating), are not immortal and most importantly, they absolutely do not sparkle. Being royalty and all, of course, there is the threat of political intrigue because their Ruler can only come from one of the twelve royal families.

Oh, they also have these human or half-human guardians called the Dhampir who literally only live to protect the Moroi. Seriously. Their motto is “The Moroi comes first”. And then there is the threat of the big baddies, the Strigoi who are the more conventional vampire folk we are accustomed with no, not the Edward variety – bloodshot eyes, can’t move in the sun, can only be killed by a silver stake.

Enter Moroi royal Vasilissa Dragomir (Lucy Fry) and her Dhamphir-in-training Rose Hathaway (Zoey Deutch – Beautiful Creatures). Not only is Lissa going through the throes of puberty, she is also the next in line to the throne which means that she not only has to go through actual political intrigue, she also has to navigate through the halls of high school society. Add to that a new power that is emerging, can she, and her faithful guard Rose, survive high shool?

THE GOOD:

1. That Everything Was Properly Labelled. From the get-go the audience is given a quick lesson into their world – which race is which, what the vamps can and cannot do, What Everything Was For – and it even comes with floating labels on screen so you’d have no problems with spelling out the words. It’s not the most creative way, true, but of you signed up to watch a movie with this kind of title, you really shouldn’t be on the look out for art.
2. The Snarky Dialogue. I’m sure the writer is a Joss Whedon fan with the Buffy-esque way of speaking. In an otherwise ridiculous and predictable film, the snark is one of the few saving graces.
3. It wasn’t overly complex. Which is fantastic, because you get exactly what you pay for. Director Mark Waters (of the Freaky Friday and Mean Girls fame) is well versed with teenage girlie films and he has the formula down pat. The plot is incredibly predictable but all the ‘hints’ are evenly spaced and dropped in logical sequences that in the end everything just comes together naturally.
4. The two lead girls. I think it’s perfect casting although I’m sure somebody out there absolutely hates the Rose actress. Her voice was high enough to be skating that dangerous gray area between cute and annoying. Personally I didn’t mind it but I can imagine it grating other people’s nerves.
   
5. The setting. I don’t know where the film was shot but that church is gorgeous.

THE BAD:

1. Gabriel Byrne. There was nothing wrong with the acting but because he literally is the biggest star onscreen, he does kind of give away the entire plot. I mean, there’s not much to work out, but had they casted another actor, someone more relatively unknown, the film’s twist may have had a fighting chance to be hidden at least until half-way through.
2. Dimitri Belikov’s Long Hair. I’ve never read the books so I don’t know if it was Written that Dimitri had long hair or not, but I think this was something that the film makers could’ve forgone during the book-to-film transition. I mean, look at Danila Kozlovsky’s face without all that hair! Why…? With the stupid pony tail Dimitri actually looks like a pedophile.
   And this is the delicious version, sans the hair:

   

3. The Christian Ozera Character. He’s the token brooding vamp with the angsty background and I’m sure there were a few Edward jabs hiding in there somewhere. They were not taken full advantage of, I tell you.
   I mean, this has got to be a silent wank on Edward Cullen, right?

   

4. The Kirova plot arc. Was there more to her? Somewhere near the end she mentioned that she understood more than anyone knew but then there was no follow-up. Was she on it?
5. Sarah Hyland. I think this was a miscast. Not as heinous as Gabriel Byrne, but with similar problems. They should’ve went with someone who actually looked like a nerd and someone less famous.
   

THE UGLY:

None, really, but then again I have accepted the fact that I willingly handed over hard-earned cash to watch an insipid movie. If you can accept this fact, you should have no problems.

All in all it was an entertaining film. I was actually surprised that I had as much fun as I did but then the credits rolled and you see ‘Mark Waters’ onscreen and then everything clicked. God, that man has such a tight handle on adolescent female problems in high school, I have no idea how he pulls it off with such levity.

THE VERDICT: 6.5/10. See it if you must watch a film this weekend and are looking for something light and non-mushy.

*All photos are lifted from the film’s IMDB page.