I had very low expectations for this movie because let’s face it: any love story set in the backdrop of a historical tragedy is very likely not to end well.

But, given that all the posters and trailers had Jon Snow Kit Harrington’s incredibly sculpted body on them, I decided to see it.

So here’s my round up of director Paul W.S. Anderson’s (of the Resident Evil fame) Pompeii (2014).

Please note that there may be spoilers. Read at your own risk.

THE STORY:

The story opens with a young Celt, Milo (Dylan Schombing), being awoken from his sleep by a Roman army raid on their little village. He witnesses Corvus (Kiefer Sutherland – 24) order the massacre of his family and his people. Milo pretends to be dead to escape the blade. The little boy, now the sole survivor of his clan, wanders through the forest alone, until he is picked up by slave traders.

Fast-forward to seventeen (17) years later to a little town gladiator arena and Milo (Kit Harrington – Jon ‘You Know Nothing’ Snow in HBO’s A Game of Thrones) now grown up, is a lean, mean fighting machine named ‘The Celt’. His quick, brutal and incredibly cod way of killing catches slave merchant Graecus (Joe Pingue – Pacific Rim)’s eye as he is on the lookout for fresh game to bring to Pompeii.

In Pompeii Milo meets and promptly falls in love with Cassia (Emily Browning – Lemony Snicket’s A Series of Unfortunate Events), lady daughter of wealthy businessman Severus (Jared Harris – Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows) and Aurelia (Carrie-Anne Moss- The Matrix), on the way back from a year in Rome and fellow gladiator slave Atticus (Adelwale Akinnuoye-Agbaje – Thor: The Dark World) who is one fight away from gaining his freedom.

In a cruel twist, Severus invites Corvus, now a senator, to submit a bid for construction work in the city of Rome. Corvus, it turns out, is in Pompeii in pursuit of Cassia who has refused his advances in Rome and does not appreciate the lingering looks she and the gladiator slave are sharing.

On top of all, quite literally, sits Mount Vesuvius threatening to explode and wipe out the entire city of Pompeii.

THE GOOD:

1. The CGI. The aerial shots of Pompeii at night were fantastic. I have no idea if that was just a tiny minuscule diorama strung up with lights or if they were computer generated. Probably a mixture of both, and the effect was beautiful.
2. Kit Harrington’s face and his abs. Most of the trivia about this film revolved around Kit Harrington’s regime to bulk up. In all fairness to the producers, they knew what they were selling in this movie and they went right ahead and highlighted said abs by generously oiling them and showing them every other scene. Kit Harrington’s acting is not acceptable on any level but it’s a good thing that he was blessed with such a pretty face. Whenever there was the slightest emotional scene, the film makers would just zoom up and fill up the screen with the pretty, I guess in the hopes of smoothing over the audience’s frustration for the lack of good acting.
   
3. Atticus. In a story where none of the characters knew why they were there or acting the way they did, the Atticus character was a breath of fresh air because 1.) he knew his backstory and 2.) he did everything he could to keep true to it. I wish that they just pivoted the plot on Atticus, after all, he was the only character in the whole film to have a point (even though a slightly cliche’d one).
   

THE BAD:

1. Skeletor, a.k.a. Emily Brownig. Seriously, she’s too thin. Did she feel pressured to drastically change how she looks when she heard what Kit Harrington did to prepare for this movie? She looked super pretty before but now her head is too big for her body.
   
2. The incredibly cliched dialogue. You call that trash talk??? I think I got eye strain from too much eye rolling. From the totally unneeded cheesy selfless confessions to the vain attempt to intimidate one another, it was all bad.
3. The complete waste of the supporting cast. Haller, you have Jared freakin’ Harris on your list and you use him that way? Same deal for Carrie-Anne Moss. Because these are already known names in Hollywood, I was expecting a bigger roles for them to move the plot.
   
4. Too much cleavage and leg baring. I admit, I am totally biased when it comes to these things and I had no problems with the men traipsing on screen half-naked and killing each other, but Jessica Lucas’ cleavage shots and Emily Browning’s leg baring were offensive to me. Probably because I knew that they were better actors than this?
   
5. The lame action sequences. Considering the premise of a film about ancient Roman gladiators, you’d think that the action scenes would at least be worth it. And considering that the director was the director of Resident Evil, you’d think that the film would be in capable hands at least. See, that’s the problem with thinking – it leads to expectations. The “action” sequences should’ve been good but the director had this weird thing where he kept going in and out of tight shots during the fight. It not only made for a messy watching, but was also headache inducing.

THE UGLY:

1. The Wardrobe. I don’t think I’ve seen a movie where all the actors looked as uncomfortable in their costume as this one. Didn’t they have dress rehearsals at least? They were all so stiff and it was obvious that they didn’t know how to move in their garb.
   
   
2. Kiefer Sutherland’s stilted English accent. Yet another thing in this movie that grated on my poor nerves. It seems that he can only do the accent if he makes like a beaver and spits his words through his two front teeth.
   
3. The barrage of incredibly stupid decisions that the characters made. It was endless and it will definitely leave you questioning why you opted to see this movie in the first place.
4. The lack of Focus. The film obviously didn’t know what it was there for. Was it telling a love story or making a point about social inequality? Was it just a brainless movie dedicated to gore in the arena or about a volcano that’s about to explode? The film makers couldn’t decide which plot arc to prioritize and just decided to squeeze all them at the same time. Nothing was developed properly and by the time that the volcano explodes, you’d be left in your seat saying, ‘Oh, right. That’s still happening, isn’t it?’

All in all Pompeii was a bad movie. You know that a movie is bad when your attention wavers enough for you to pull out your phone for a second to just check the time or your messages, right? Well during this one I had my phone whipped out and having multiple text conversations with my friends. I couldn’t believe how bad it was despite me having extremely low expectations. I wanted to walk out of the theater halfway through but couldn’t bear throwing out the cash I used to buy the ticket.

THE VERDICT:1.5/10 if only for Kit Harrington’s abs. Skip it. This movie is neither fun, smart or worth watching.

*All photos are lifted from the film’s IMDB page.