Yes.  Well.  Despite the multiple warnings I received from friends about the sheer awfulness of this movie, I still decided to go and see it.  On Valentine’s Day no less.  I figured that maybe more than a few people were just being biased and were more than a little eager to jump on the hate bandwagon, so I decided to judge it first hand.

No, I haven’t read the books, mostly because I despised the fact that actual Twilight fanfiction got published.  I have, however, read the wikipedia synopsis and have seen more than a few memes so I do know that it is first and foremost erotic fanfiction.

Anyways, here’s my round up of Sam Taylor-Johnson (Nowhere Boy)’s 50 Shades of Grey.  (If thr surname sounds familiar, it’s because she’s Aaron Taylor-Johnson’s wife.  Yeah.)

Please note that there may be spoilers.  Read at your own risk.

THE STORY:

English major Anastasia Steele (Dakota Johnson – 21 Jump Street) goes in to interview one of the world’s most eligible bachelors, Christian Grey (Jamie Dornan – Marie Antoinette), in lieu of her journalist room mate Kate (Eloise Mumford – So Undercover), who caught the flu right before the interview.  While Anastacia is overwhelmed by Christian’s intimidating demeanor, ahe cannot deny that there is instant chemistry between the two of them.  She brushes this off, of course, because why would the world’s youngest and most handsome billionaire go for someone mousy and plain as her?  It isn’t until Christian starts showing up and wooing her that she concede and entertain the possibility of having a relationship with him. The only problem is, Christian Grey has very ‘singular’ tastes and Ana isn’t sure she’s up for his kinks.

THE GOOD:

1. The soundtrack!  Say what you will about this movie, but that one good soundtrack.  I don’t know how they got Danny Elfman to score this movie, but thank heavens he said yes.  The music did provide it much needed class.
2. Dakota Johnson was lovely as Ana, giving her quirks and enough personality to make the character tolerable.  I say this, of course, because Ana spends most of the movie whining about Christian’s limitations and generally being an undecided twit.  Dakota Johnson managed to wrangle sympathy for the insufferable character, which was just wow.
   
3. Jamie Dornan was sufficiently hot.  I like that he wasn’t a bulging wreck like Chris Hemsworth, but my friend actually dislikes that he wasn’t more ripped.  To each his own, I guess.  He did provide the intensity which played beautifully with Dakota Johnson’s charming awkwardness.  There were some pretty cheesy lines that Dornan wasn’t able to quite pull off, but I’m guessing that those shitty lines were from the book.
   
4. Visually, the film was stunning.  The shots of the city skylines were gorgeous and the film did provide some pretty shots while flying planes.  The ‘red room of pain’ was also pretty memorable, although I just kept thinking to myself ‘how does he clean those toys though?’
   

THE BAD:

1. Dakota Johnson’s hair.  What was up with that?  I’m guessing that the messiness was to highlight the fact that Anastasia was a no-fuss girl, but those strands were pretty distracting.

   

2. Considering the premise, the sex scenes were actually pretty tame. Sorry, the build up was that Christian Grey was supposed to be some kinky pervert, but nothing really ever got past light spanking and bondage.  Did they just clean the movie up?  Was it filthier in the books?

   

    

3. The total waste of the supporting cast.  Why did Marcia Gay Harden even say yes to this?  And Jennifer Ehle!  For shame!
   
4. Why didn’t Christian Grey just buy her an iPhone?  He got her an Audi, a MacBook Pro but he leaves her to use a flip phone.  At this day and age.  A flip phone.

THE UGLY:

1. There was no real story to tell.  The “plot” (and I do use the term loosely) had been established about twenty minutes into the movie and the rest of the time was just spent going through the same old angsts and “conflicts” (again, loosely) without ever coming to a resolution.  I kept asking my seatmate if there was anything big that was going to happen because while the movie did a good job of showing the characters were living their lives, they weren’t hurtling towards anything.  It got old pretty quick because nothing was happening – it was just Ana being undecisive, Christian pressuring her to say yes by buying her lavish gifts and by giving her fantastic sex.  That’s basically the whole movie right there.
2. That ending made me go “WHAT” in the cinema.  Only epics like The Fellowship of the Ring can get away with a cliffhanger like that.  I am appalled that the movie had the balls to end it just when things were sort of getting interesting.  Ana finally was beginning to show a backbone (and in the process orders the dominant to stop – will the roles be reversed in the sequel?  I kinda dig that idea, actually) and then cut.  Fade to black.  Say it with me: WTF?!
3. The character Christian Grey is one skeevy bastard.  Hotness and riches notwithstanding, the dude is very creepy and probably needs a restraining order with intense psychotherapy.  And here I thought Edward Cullen was stalkerish, but Christian Grey takes the cake on that field.  I can’t believe that women are fawning over a guy who is clearly not right in the head.  Worst of all, because this is fan fiction, I can’t look at the author without thinking ‘holy smokes, she was thinking about Edward Cullen when she wrote this, ew”.

   

All in all 50 Shades of Grey was a bad movie.  It was repetetive, cumbersome, and didn’t even deliver on it’s main selling point.  Had this movie come out five years ago, the hype probably would have been well founded.  Now though, given the liberties that are being taken on mainstream television, the material’s coming off as pretty tame.  The soundtrack, the performances and the technical aspects of the movie were actually kind of good; it’s just that the story is shit.

THE VERDICT: 3/10.  Skip it.

*All photos are lifted from the film’s IMDB page.