I just got off the phone with Frederick.  It’s been weeks since I’ve last talked to the dude and I miss him and all, but, and it is a very big BUT, I couldn’t help but feel that pang of bitterness when I heard his voice.  I knew that it showed (or in this case, it was heard), that sound of disappointment I made when I first heard his voice.

I’m not going to deny it; it was that green-eyed monster welling up in me once more.  Yes, I was jealous at the dude’s luck.  I couldn’t help it.  But more overpowering was that feeling of…intense hate?  Well it wasn’t really hatred, per se, but it was definitely that feeling smack down in the middle of hatred and anger. 

And this unknown feeling was directed at myself, my own person, me.  Because if I’d just done the same thing that he did last year, I probably could be living the same employed job that he has now.  –Insert humongous sigh right here-

Anyway I just thought I’d let that not so tiny feeling of frustration through blogging.  I just think that it’s unhealthy to keep feelings of the negative kind bottled up.  Besides, this has always been the type of thing that’s kept my journal (the one in longhand) alive for the last ten years.  And believe me when I say that many pages have been exhausted on the matter.

I know that I want to change, to be that better person.  You know, that annoying perky person who annoys the hell out of her friends because she’s too damned positive.  But I’m not delusional; I know that I won’t reach that level of positivism.  With my cynicism, how the fuck can I?

I’m just human, after all and humans get feelings like these, right?  I guess the whole point is to accept the wrong feeling, vent it out and then move on.