I remember back in high school (when I was still young and innocent har har) I honestly said that my biggest fear was to be left alone.  It was a phobia of mine to be stuck anywhere for long periods of time by myself, especially in places where lots of people hang out in, like restaurants and coffee houses.  But I was most terrified of hanging out alone anywhere near my school—be it the local bookstore, the local coffee house or the local anything.  I was scared of being alone in the midst of students. 

I guess I was afraid of what other people might think of me, this loser who’s sitting over there all alone.  Thoughts like ‘oh she must’ve been stood up, poor girl’ voiced out in my head.  And it didn’t help my cause that I was wearing this blah school uniform because from experience anybody who’s in uniform usually stuck out like a sore thumb. 

I realize now that everything was just inside my head, and that I only thought of those things because had I been on the opposite side of the table, the one who’s doing the watching, I’ll probably jump to the same mean conclusions about that person who’s sitting by himself or herself over there.  It’s basic projection, after all. 

Weirdly enough, now I’m the complete opposite.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m still afraid of being stood up (who isn’t?) and I’d probably be so pissed off when that happens, but I don’t mind being alone so much. 

I’ve been doing a lot of things on my own every since I graduated from college.  The fact that I moved back home was a big part of this; I now live so far away from my friends that I’m usually the one who misses out on group dates and movie trips so I end up doing things by my lonesome.  And everybody’s just into different things now, it’s difficult to get everybody together for a gala because of differing schedules.  Then there’re the financial constraints that seems to affect everybody in the world nowadays.

At present I’m totally fine with walking down the crowded halls of the nearest mall; I don’t even feel the need to plug in my Ipod ear buds when I’m strolling around anymore.  I’ve also gotten over my fear of being alone in student-infested places; just last Tuesday I spent an hour or so on a McDonald’s just beside my alma mater, surrounded by noisy teens. 

Yet another new experience for me was my attending mass solo last month.  I’ve never done that before, weirdly enough.  Now I actually look forward to another experience like it.  And now I feel so comfortable watching movies by myself that it doesn’t even cross my mind to invite other people to watch with me.  I guess I just figured that they’d be too busy with real life matters to blow a couple of hours in the theaters.

There’s just something very liberating about doing things by oneself.  I guess there’s the fact that you don’t have to wait around for anybody to arrive before doing anything.  You have perfect control of your time and you can do anything you want anytime you want. 

I miss my friends dearly and I understand that they’ve all got more important things to do than blow a whole day in the mall with me, and I am sort of thankful for that.  I wouldn’t have learned to fly solo under different circumstances.